AFTER YOU BROKE UP (Short Story)

After You Broke Up

(Fiction/Philosophy)

You know darling after you broke up, I have spend my days talking your talks to myself, your incidents, your stories, that wholehearted spirit of your. I would swing my personality adopting yours and interact with people, some said I've gone mad, some said it's a new transformation, really amazing. I cared about none. I somehow wanted you to be close, so I adapted you in myself. But that wasn't the solution, because it isn't your personality that I fall for, it is your entire being. That child like face you make when you become a five year old boy, angry at me, I tried imitating it, but I couldn't, because it was something your special, not mine. People around me, my neighbor, relatives, friends all says 'she has gone mad'  they mock at me, girls of my society laughs at my shabby hairs and weird dress up. But what can I do? For whom I put makeup now? For whom hair straightening is needed? In whose lap I'll put my head? Who will run finger in those silky hairs? 

So after you broke up saying I have fault in my desires, I searched for it within and I could figure out my impatience, nature of possession and my madness for you maybe that made you feel awkward. I worked on it, so that next time when we meet as strangers, you'll see a better me. You know working on own self  is toughest, it requires strength, I am proud that my love is iron wall not a flower curtain. Every day was tough, but I fought with myself. Struggle included walking up at two in the morning with sweat and anxiety, you know that fear of loosing you. Those red eyes, sleepless nights, desire of nothingness, no feeling, no emotion, no lust, emptiness, eternal solitude. In morning I would be a person who saves the world, in evening, at collage a lady who fights for extra ketchup and abuses each an every one and at night a Drug Mafia dealing in Dubai with billions. Close friends of mine have become enemies, 'what your next reaction will be is totally unpredictable' they say as I don't entertain any kind of drama at all. That masted art to behave fake just broke, vanished in days, I speak truth how harsh it is, without thinking what they'll think, and the same person wonders if it was true or just I feel it's not, the way you said me 'Impractical'. What you did this to me? 

So after you broke up, yesterday I became Heer and at night downstairs to parking, I see my vehicle, remembered that memory, once you drove me. Without footwear, in my night dress, I drove to the mall, you took me. 'Tumhare sath scooty pe bitaye wo 25 minute mere zindgi ke sabse hassen 25 minutes the' this dialog of movie rolled down my head, after days I finally cried, I was happy I had an emotion. Guards at entrance stopped me, 'beggars are not allowed they thought' but still I was allowed, beggars don't wear Buffalo T-shirt. I went to the place where we sipped that cold drink with single straw. I held the steel alloyed railing, clenched the metal, tried to feel your touch, I couldn't. Ordered the same drink, but I couldn't sip down. I just couldn't. Every other sound went mute, tinnitus it was? no it wasn't, you laughter was audible. Shed more puddles, made the railing wet, wiped it, all new it was now? 

When every girls fears of getting raped on streets, I roamed, bare foot it was over 12.00AM. That wind touches me, the cool breeze, it does same with that tree, and tree sheds leaves. The music of leaves falling and wind playing with my drops made me fearless, what have I lest to loose now? 

So after you broke up one day a Heer, Juliet, Laila and Shewta was roaming bare foot on roads and that little walk taught her a beautiful lesson. When I walked a little with empty head, I saw a BMW car. You know I have no craze about cars but this car was different, because the owner was a sixty five years old man with his darling wife sitting close to him, both were enjoying Sweet Corn.
How could a relation last so long? Or maybe they both were just pretending to be happy and in love like others for sake of society! Obviously it was that!
'He you Drama Queen' I speak harsh, I speak truth now.
'Excuse me' the old man was polite, I didn't know how.
'Stop pretending that you are in love with each other, this fake behavior, I can't bare!' I was angry. They both looked at each other and smiled, as something they saw inside me, understood me and 'Come here dear' said politely.
I went to them 'You don't have to do this'
'We understand you' they said 'But we are not pretending to be in love'
'Hah! Lol! How long have you been married?' I asked.
'42 years' she said. 'Then for sure, you cannot be in love, you are just pretending!'
'Why would we pretend?' old man asked.
'Maybe society, relatives etc..'
'Well I can't find any people or any of our relatives on this road! But still we are smiling, looking at each other' and they kissed, its worse when you're broken and a couple kisses in front of you.
'How's is it possible to be in love for 40 years! like you never fought! never hurt each other'
'Not 40, 30, first 10 years were full of pretending to be in love' he said.
' Pretending? I don't understand!'
'Like you teenagers pretend to be in love, sending morning messages of 'had breakfast' 'Dinner?' Texting I love you 20 times a day' old man started 'that's very basic kind of love, not love I'll say basic kind of possession, this kind of love is bound to end because you are pretending according to trends, according to what you've seen. You immediately care for that stranger and his entire schedule of the day and want to be a part of it. In this pretending you'll soon have expectations which will lead to conflict as you haven't understood the stranger! When you pretend to be in love you'll miss the main thing called 'understanding'' he completed.
'We both did the same thing, we pretended and did all those gf-bf rituals for first  years, a decade is very long time, it was full of fights and troubles, we used to shout at each other and almost everything was imperfect' 'Real love is to understand that the person is stranger, you may think that you know him, but your upbringing and his upbringing is different, you beliefs your desires are different and this must lead to conflicts!' she said.
'Our life was hell until the day we started to understand each other, and the only understanding was, only golden rule for this 40 years of beautiful marriage was that
'She's imperfect will lot of flaws and so am I and we both are Ok with it'
This one line did magic on me, felt like words from heaven
'Wow, I never thought like this' I was flabbergasted.
'True Love doesn't just happens, it's always developed between two people' 
'Why didn't you got divorced? When times wee tough' I asked.
'Maybe because we were born in times when imperfect things were repaired not thrown'
'My boyfriend broke up with me and I became a sad girl kind of female Devdas, does that means I am pretend the 'after break up role?'' I understood myself.

'Exactly! The story you have written about your sadness will captivate audience but this part where truth is said, will be ignored and called boring'

'What should I do? Do what's conditioned or what's right?' I asked.
"Do what's necessary" they said.

So after you broke-up, I understood that our life is not a Bollywood film and I am not the god forsaken Actress. I still feel the pain because you left. I still think that I love you. I still want you to come back and wish we both together could DEVELOP love.
But..
I won't say, I really love you.
Thank You for this realization.
Maybe sometimes repairing make takes the beauty of imperfection.
I just want to be..

-Shail Raval

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